f_r_e_y_a: (Alone - Sad Druid in Rain)
[personal profile] f_r_e_y_a

I've been played Freya for ... oh, just under a year, though it wasn't consecutive by any stretch of the imagination. I had her for several months at Scorched before, then felt burned out and not really sure what I wanted for her, and it led to my dropping the game. A month later I had the urge to play her again, but it wasn't really strong for a while yet. By the time the muse had me in a vice grip, I was ready and raring to go and really really wanted to play her somewhere. Naturally, Scorched was the best option - all my CR was already -- with the exception of people who dropped -- there.

But now and again I find myself at war with my muse, because I the person can see the logic and sense in what her friends tell her, but Freya the muse cannot. So that makes me flounder a bit. Thus, to get a better grasp of what I'm doing with the muse, I present... THIS.

When I first wrote Freya up from the series, I based her entire personality on how she behaves in the episode she appears in. Because they tell you noooooooooooooothing about her past beyond pieces and snatches that Freya herself is unwilling to talk about. So most of it comes from guesswork and her body language.

First thing I thought of - how would an innocent druid girl react if she took a life accidentally, and was cursed into a body that murdered innocent people, night after night, like it or not. Initially, denial - but that kind of denial would not last too long. I fathomed she had a happy home life, with a supportive family - after her curse, she would seek them out of course, for help.

We're not sure one what happened to her family - one of two things are a possibility. They ended up getting killed because of her curse, or she was rejected by them. I'm not honestly sure which is worse - both are pretty bad, but at least in the latter, they're still alive. But because of the curse, she was banned from her home. She was a threat, a danger... a monster.

So we now have an innocent girl who accidentally murdered someone in self defense, who was rejected by the only safe place she knew. How does one survive? I rationalized the village she came from could have been a small one, maybe even formerly nomadic, formerly setting up roots in a forest. She would have had to learn how to trap animals, and track them. Basic survival skills.

That's well and good, for the morning. But in the evening, she still becomes a monster. She still hunts and kills people. Things like that don't go unnoticed in Camelot, so it was only a matter of time before hunters began searching for the winged cat that was killing people in the kingdom.

Human beings are as greedy as they are kind. It would be silly to assume everyone Freya ran into was gentle and caring - given her distrustful nature when Merlin helped her, it's a fair shot to say most of the ones she met weren't. They may have helped her under the pretense of kindness, but wanted to get money off of her instead.

The sting of betrayal is not one easily forgotten, and the people who are the most kind to her, without reason, are the ones she suspects first. Tragic her past may be, however, she is not incapable of smiling, or of laughter. When she was saved from Halig by Merlin, and had a safe place to hide for the time being, she began to relax in Merlin's presence. He charmed a smile out of her, and though she refused to speak about her past, their conversations got longer and longer. She began to care for him, very much, and the feeling was mutual. But in spite of this, she knew she was still a threat - the promises they made to each other could never come to pass. . . and if she stayed with him, there would be a time when she would be sobbing over his body, because she had harmed him. And she could not live with herself for that.

So she ran. Running was the only thing she could do - stay away from the people, as far as she could get, so they would be safe from her. Sadly, she was caught by the knights of Camelot and Halig. Though she had changed into the bastet by then, she killed Halig - but was in turn killed by Arthur. Thanks Arthur. Jerk.


Much of this development has yet to happen for Freya's current timeline, however! When I first started playing Freya, I played her from very very early in the timeline, when she was caught by Halig, but not yet in Camelot. Merlin was one of the first to find her, and she didn't know him then.

She was timid then, unsure of where she was, cautious of the people, and ultimately afraid. She was the most afraid of Arthur, son of Uther - and who at the time had the same distrust of magic as Uther. When he first saw her he demanded she hand herself over to the authorities - she panicked, and refused. Merlin stepped in for her to take responsibility. She was taken down to Dismas, where her curse would be suppressed - where she could pretend to be a normal girl, even though she could feel the beast lurking in her, waiting for its chance to get out again.

She could have made her living like a normal person - but Freya knew she wasn't a normal person. That staying in Dismas was the same as a cage, albeit a larger one. Even so, life did start to resemble something akin to normal. She constantly berated herself, constantly told herself the kindness shown her was a fake, a lie - just like the people who betrayed her back home. She spoke with few people, sequestered herself in her apartment in Dismas and left only when necessary or when Merlin visited. She couldn't understand why he was so kind - and she refused to believe that she deserved it.

Eventually, the number of people who were kind to her increased, and she began to believe their words. Or ... at the very least, she stopped contesting it, even if she believed them to be liars in her head.

And things were good. She was beginning to adjust, to wonder if what they told her was true. And then she met the Remnants, Yazoo and Kadaj.

It was just an innocent outing, simple curiosity - but she ended up in the wrong place at the wrong time. Here she discovered the gift Anatole gave her - her curse would activate when she was in danger. Directly connected to the fight/flight instinct, in fact, with eventually an ability to control it voluntarily. If she could ever learn to accept that part of herself. So far, she has not.

( So clearly she has to get stuck in a TV world, face her other self and shoot herself in the head to gain the Bastet Persona! ...wait. )

Because she had been terrified, threatened by Kadaj and Yazoo, the curse triggered - she ended up mauling Kadaj's arm, and got shot by Yazoo for her efforts. She fled, and Merlin found her later in the ruins. But ever since then, because she committed the crime of hurting Kadaj, the Remnants had considered Freya their plaything. Their inferior little toy. For the most part, she avoided them, but on occasion, Kadaj would find her and taunt her, insult her, damage what tiny amount of good she had managed to salvage in her head. They threatened the things she cared about, and as she cared about Merlin the most, she refused to answer their questions - and oftentimes got hurt as a result.

But for the most part, they let her be. Eventually, they and Bellatrix were captured. Around the same time, Freya grew tired of pretending the people she killed didn't exist, and decided the best way of making up for it was to turn herself in. She... didn't know if she would be killed or not - she didn't think it through okay? But Merlin visited her every day. Coincidentally, Dawn had turned herself in for killing someone as well - the pair were in cells next to each other. Dawn had found out about Freya's other side, but she didn't reject the other girl either - they bonded over their time in the jail.

She was there for about a month - when Bellatrix broke out with the Remnants. ( That totally sounds like a band's first appearance. Now LIVE in Anatole, Bella and the Remnants! ... sorry, I'm getting off course. )

Bellatrix was very much a cat person mostly due to one of the Claymore girls (who's name escapes me at the moment), and knowing about Freya's other half, decided to bust her out too, whether she liked it or not. She obviously did not.

While she was something of a guest slash prisoner --prest...guisoner? -- at Bella's manor, the Remnants didn't think the same. They took great pleasure in torturing Freya, psychologically and physically. WHen she refused to respond to the physical torture, they reduced her to a weeping wreck - when she wasn't a weeping wreck, they resorted to torture. It was a game to them - how many ways could they tear her down. And they were very good at it. Bellatrix was the only one who was kind to her there, even going so far as heal the injuries - the physical ones anyway - Freya received at the hands of Kadaj and Yazoo.

It instilled a sort of Stockholm's syndrome in her with Bellatrix, at the time. While she wasn't as close to her as she was Merlin, she did associate 'safety' with the other woman. Nevertheless, the damage done was pretty severe - she backslid heavily in her social interactions. At that poing I was afraid I broke the poor girl beyond salvaging, since I never really played and emotionally broken character before. So I dropped her.

Iiiii regretted it pretty hard a week later, but I stuck to my guns, and actually forgot about her for a while. Somewhat. Then she came racing back when I was playing too many happy cheery la la people and wanted something with an actual challenge. I remembered my poor little broken girl.

So I brought her back ... with her memories from her prior stay. I could have been kind and just restarted her everywhere over, but I figured, MEH, and trudged along.

Granted, with so many new people, I floundered with Freya a bit, trying to find that balance of minimal trust she'd learned, and maximum distrust. I had to remind myself a couple of times I wasn't restarting from scratch, that someone who went through what she did back home and in Anatole, is not going to be able to just dismiss everything out of hand so casually. Or if they are, they're lying to themselves and everyone else.

I reasoned she was probably developing post traumatic stress disorder, not for drama, but for realistic impact. I researched that a bit (an ongoing process lemme tell ya), but of course, since she lives alone and doesn't really talk on the network, what she goes through is kind of handwaved. Which was part of the problem, since if it's not played out, it's easily forgotten by moi, oocly. Sadly, we had to handwave a lot of the torture aspect from her first incarnation too, but c'est la vie.)

Now that she's in Anatole again - well Dismas really - she's cautiously branched out to talk to other people, but she's still doubting the words and intentions of those she speaks to. She still believes she's unworthy of kindness, of friends - that she's being lied to, because when she starts to believe, she remembers her time being tortured. Talking to people is easier when they don't see her and vice versa, so she often communicates through voice - she feels safe if they don't know her face.

Meeting people in person is less easy - she finds herself constantly asking their intentions in her head, constantly second guessing herself, and their words. The biggest surprise to her is the fact that she's sort of become friends with Arthur. Kinda. Friends ... isn't quite the word, really, but the fact that he's told her he had no intention of harming her, helps. You know, unless she mauls people again - he'll probably change his mind then. Her interactions with him are ... hesitant, nervous, unsure. Much like many others, only with him it's a thousandfold worse.

Through her body language, she still lacks confidence, though she envies it in others - she hasn't the faintest idea how to begin when she's so shattered, and she doesn't know or think she has the strength to pick up the pieces. The only saving grace she has is that she refuses to kill herself - though she doesn't believe she deserves the second - third chance at life she has, she selfishly likes living, and having people who think they're her friends. Who are her friends. She doesn't -want- to die, but she sometimes wonders if that is what it would take to make up for the wrongs she had done.

But now she at least has things to live for - she knows Merlin would be sad if she died, and maybe a few others - but she claimed responsibility over a pair of ducks, and a pair of kittens and that helps her a little.

Actually, I sometimes wonder if people get tired of her reluctance to rejoin the social world, or her constant self-loathing. But if they do, I assume they won't tag her - she's damaged goods. She's had post traumatic stress disorder - she STILL has nightmares about what she went through. She still thinks she's unworthy of kindness, that she doesn't deserve to live, when she's taken so many lives already - and she's terrified that one day someone will recognize her in the street as the girl that became a monster and murdered people in Anatole. She just doesn't talk about it.

Phew. Okay that's enough rambling for today - that doesn't even touch on half of the stuff I think about with Freya, but it helps. :> If anyone disagrees with this, well - opinions are made to be ignored! ...wait, no, I mean - feel free to share your opinion. I may disagree, I may agree and steal your ideas but I hope I didn't bore you with my rambling.

Think Freya doesn't fall into the category of PTSD? Let me show you the ways :

1. "Reliving" the event, which disturbs day-to-day activity

Flashback episodes, where the event seems to be happening again and again ....... CHECK

Repeated upsetting memories of the event....... CHECK

Repeated nightmares of the event....... CHECK

Strong, uncomfortable reactions to situations that remind you of the event ..... hasn't happened yet, but CHECK

2. Avoidance

Being unable to remember important aspects of the trauma......CHECK

Having a lack of interest in normal activities...Kinda Check

Showing less of your moods... CHECK

Avoiding places, people, or thoughts that remind you of the event.. CHECK CHECK CHECK

Feeling like you have no future CHECK CHECK CHECK CHECK

3. Arousal

Difficulty concentrating... Somewhat check

Startling easily.........CHECK

Having an exaggerated response to things that startle you.......CHECK

Feeling more aware (hypervigilance)........ CHECK

Feeling irritable or having outbursts of anger.... not yet

Having trouble falling or staying asleep... sometimes


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March 2013

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